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I have a problem: I have a long-held and admittedly irrational affinity for terrible movies. And not just any terrible movies -- obscure B-movies by no-name directors with big ambitions, painfully small budgets and in-over-their-head actors who are just doing their best with what they're given. The gems among this craptacular crop of films all share the same tragicomic sincerity and lack of awareness, and they're typically torpedoed by horrible artistic choices, simple inexperience or a plain ol' lack of talent. Hey, no one said making movies was easy!
With the help of my trusty roommate Zach, I've been combing through secondhand video stores and thrift store bargain bins for years now in pursuit of the most fascinating film fails I can find. We're well stocked with VHS titles at this point -- so, last year, we turned to our motley mix of streaming services to see what the selection is like online.
Netflix? So-so.
Hulu? Nothing of note.
Amazon Prime Video? Pay dirt!
The folks at Amazon wouldn't comment on their content curation strategy when I asked about it, but for whatever reason, the Prime Video catalog includes an amazing selection of cheap, terrible cinema otherwise lost to the ages. They aren't well categorized, but with a little digging, it never takes long to find something head-scratching and hilarious.
To that end, here's a quick sampling of some of the worst and weirdest titles we've stumbled across on Amazon's streaming service, all of which are free for Prime subscribers to watch right now. Because let's face it: We could all use a break in the age of the coronavirus -- and a few more titles for our watchlists, too.
Now playing: Watch this: The best terrible movies to watch on Amazon Prime
1:58
Here's a little taste of my most recent find, a truly bizarre film about toxic zombies in Florida called Noxious. Our hero is a blue-haired beach bum detective who dresses like a punk teenager for no discernible reason. Cast includes a few too many B-list ex-wrestlers. pic.twitter.com/R9UlUOUwBk
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020
Noxious (2018): 2 hours, 12 minutes
Amazon
What do you get when you mix a Gulf Coast oil spill, a dash of toxic waste, and a bunch of dead dudes? Apparently, you get one of the strangest and shoddiest movies I've ever forced myself to watch (and toxic zombies, obviously).
Why it's great
The script might be riddled with painful dialogue and bizarre, meandering plot turns, but that didn't stop its ensemble of misfits from coming together and giving it their best. With a shoestring budget and a cast that features several B-list ex-wrestlers, the acting is just as cringe-inducing as you'd expect. But perplexing performances from the leads -- including an aging, tater-tot-loving, blue-haired detective who dresses like a punk teenager from 1993 -- will keep you glued to the screen from start to finish. That's a good thing, because while the monster effects border on semi-competent there, ah, actually aren't that many zombies in this, um, 132-minute zombie movie.
Watch on Amazon
Circus Island (2006): 1 hour, 44 minutes
Amazon
Fun fact: Feel-good family flicks can be so bad they're good, too! Case in point, Circus Island, in which an out-of-work trapeze artist slash deadbeat dad falls in love with and marries his ex-wife's twin sister without realizing who she is before reconnecting with his estranged daughter while fixing up a run-down tropical island as a summer circus camp, wherein an angsty and vaguely homicidal mean girl threatens to ruin everything unless a ghostly circus legend can save the day from beyond the grave. No, it didn't make much sense when I typed that either (or when I watched it, for that matter).
Why it's great
See above.
Watch on Amazon
I'm awfully partial to the buddy cop kung fu flick Hawkeye (our VHS copy lists the title as ‘Karate Cops'). The high-kicking hero is so delightfully wooden and obtuse, and his partner's Eddie Murphy impersonation is surprisingly decent! You know it's a gem in the first minute. pic.twitter.com/V8SsgyDh7q
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020
Hawkeye, aka Karate Cops (1988): 1 hour, 25 minutes
Amazon
The '80s gave us a veritable bounty of bad kung fu movies, but few gave us better schlock than Leo Fong, a Chinese American martial artist, actor, filmmaker and Bruce Lee contemporary who, at 91 years old, is still kicking today. Many will point to his starring turn in the 1986 cult classic Low Blow as a tour phượng hoàng cổ trấn de force head-scratcher of a performance, but his turn behind the camera directing the 1988 buddy cop flick Hawkeye (also known as Karate Cops, at least according to our VHS copy) is an absolute must-see, too.
Why it's great
Let's start with our titular hero, Alexander Hawkimoto, played by George Chung. He's a cocksure, karate-kicking cop personified by horrible one-liners, terrible judgment and flat-out wacky Texas cowboy machismo. His partner? A completely shameless (and at times, surprisingly convincing) ripoff of Eddie Murphy from Beverly Hills Cop. The production value? Flimsy at best. The plot? Too ridiculous to describe. The end result? Pure gold.
Watch on Amazon
Powderburn (1995): 1 hour, 22 minutes
Amazon
"It started out as a routine wife-spying job…" is how the description of Powderburn begins on Amazon. Unfortunately, words really can't do justice to this baffling masterwork of awful cinema. Suffice it to say there's really nothing routine about the script's confusingly bad attempt at neo-noir (think Chinatown, if they only filmed about 30 percent of what they needed and had to try and make it work in editing).
Why it's great
This film is an enigma of bad moviemaking, and filled to the brim with botched line deliveries, strange cuts and incomprehensible plot twists that'll have you saying "huh?" more times than you can count. It makes for one of the more demanding watches on this list (and at just 82 minutes, that's saying something), but stick it out, if only for the utterly bizarre sequence 58 minutes in where our naked hero gets into a gunfight in the desert with a trio of snakes. At least, I think that's what happens? With Powderburn, it's a little hard to be sure.
Watch on Amazon
Is this the greatest terrible pun ever to open a movie? I believe that it might be. pic.twitter.com/OSz0DE8aje
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) August 3, 2018
Deathstalker 2 (1987): 1 hour, 28 minutes
Amazon
The rogueish, casually misogynistic swordsman Deathstalker (yep, that's really what he calls himself) becomes a reluctant hero when a princess on the run enlists his help in defeating Jarek, the evil ruler who replaced her with an evil twin.
The duo journeys to confront the villains, but not before a tribe of Amazonian huntresses captures them and forces Deathstalker into a fight to the death as punishment for his womanizing ways (relax, it's just a WWF-style wrestling match in the middle of the forest, complete with the ring, and that sound you hear is me slapping my forehead just thinking about it).
Why it's great
First off, a shoutout to the team at RedLetterMedia, who first turned me on to Deathstalker 2 when they featured it on their "Best of the Worst" YouTube series, which I highly recommend if these sorts of films suit your fancy. Still, Deathstalker 2 merits a full viewing of its own. From the brutally bad pun that opens the film to the final, climactic bout of unconvincing swordplay, everything about this movie is just the best kind of bananas. And don't worry if you missed the first Deathstalker -- it's available to stream on Amazon, too!
Watch on Amazon
Another recent find: The truly awful and borderline unwatchable Love on a Leash, where a guy trapped in a dog's body has to get a woman to fall in love with him? Truly one of the most painful watches I've ever sat through. Highly recommended. pic.twitter.com/iFOGFmurGH
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020
Love on a Leash (2011): 1 hour, 25 minutes
Amazon
Need a romcom for your next stay-at-home date night? Consider Love on a Leash if you're feeling masochistic. It's the story of a down-on-her-luck lady who takes in a stray dog, only to learn that it's actually a man stuck inside of a dog's body. The two fall in love, and things go from really weird to really, really weird.
Why it's great
Oof. Or maybe w-oof, I guess. Either way, if you can make it through all 85 minutes of this one, then you're a true friend of bad cinema. Not only is the script a trainwreck of bad decisions and jokes that absolutely do not land, but the editing and sound design are notably nightmarish, too (my guess is that the filmmakers used a lot of music without owning the rights and then needed to strip it all out prior to distribution). One note: while the film isn't too risque, some of the jokes and scenes get a bit suggestive, so stick with Circus Island if you're looking for something you can groan at with young kids.
Our hero, the dog, is voiced by a store-brand Seth Rogen type, only to be portrayed by a completely different actor with an entirely different personality when we finally get to see him as a human. Our heroine, a green-obsessed wallflower who makes maddening life choices for the sake of The Plot, veers between overacting and underacting from scene to scene. Very little of this film makes sense. It's borderline unwatchable. I absolutely love it.
Watch on Amazon
Skyscraper (1996): 1 hour, 35 minutes
Amazon
2018 brought us Skyscraper, the latest in a long, storied history of Die Hard ripoffs -- but did you know it's actually the second Die Hard ripoff with that name? The first was a straight-to-video trainwreck from 1996, and you won't find Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson saving the day.
Instead, the John McClane role goes to, I kid you not, the late Anna Nicole Smith, who stars as an unassuming helicopter pilot who lands on an LA skyscraper during a routine charter flight, only to realize that the building has been taken over by violent terrorists who've taken hostages.
Why it's great
This one has it all. The acting is god-awful (I have a special soft spot for Deron McBee's especially campy turn as a terrorist -- you might know him as Motaro from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, or as Malibu, one of the original American Gladiators). The script is laughably hackneyed (at one point, Smith rappels down the side of the building and kicks through a window, ripping Die Hard off almost shot for shot). And while it doesn't quite qualify as softcore porn, you should still put the kids to bed before watching -- the film includes a handful of jarringly out-of-place sex scenes, including a flashback that literally starts in the middle of a gunfight.
For these reasons and so, so many more, Skyscraper belongs right at the top of your hall of shame. Sadly, the film isn't available on Amazon anymore -- but you can still stream it for free on Tubi.
Watch on Tubi
Like I said, the Prime Video catalog is filled with flicks like these, and that means there's a lot more where these came from. I didn't even have room to mention campy classics like Death Spa and Chopping Mall!
I'm not planning on stopping my search anytime soon, so expect updates to this post if I find any new gems. In the meantime, feel free to share any recommendations for my watchlist in the comments section.
I have a problem: I have a long-held and admittedly irrational affinity for terrible movies. And not just any terrible movies -- obscure B-movies by no-name directors with big ambitions, painfully small budgets and in-over-their-head actors who are just doing their best with what they're given. The gems among this craptacular crop of films all share the same tragicomic sincerity and lack of awareness, and they're typically torpedoed by horrible artistic choices, simple inexperience or a plain ol' lack of talent. Hey, no one said making movies was easy!
With the help of my trusty roommate Zach, I've been combing through secondhand video stores and thrift store bargain bins for years now in pursuit of the most fascinating film fails I can find. We're well stocked with VHS titles at this point -- so, last year, we turned to our motley mix of streaming services to see what the selection is like online.
Netflix? So-so.
Hulu? Nothing of note.
Amazon Prime Video? Pay dirt!
The folks at Amazon wouldn't comment on their content curation strategy when I asked about it, but for whatever reason, the Prime Video catalog includes an amazing selection of cheap, terrible cinema otherwise lost to the ages. They aren't well categorized, but with a little digging, it never takes long to find something head-scratching and hilarious.
To that end, here's a quick sampling of some of the worst and weirdest titles we've stumbled across on Amazon's streaming service, all of which are free for Prime subscribers to watch right now. Because let's face it: We could all use a break in the age of the coronavirus -- and a few more titles for our watchlists, too.
Now playing: Watch this: The best terrible movies to watch on Amazon Prime
1:58
Here's a little taste of my most recent find, a truly bizarre film about toxic zombies in Florida called Noxious. Our hero is a blue-haired beach bum detective who dresses like a punk teenager for no discernible reason. Cast includes a few too many B-list ex-wrestlers. pic.twitter.com/R9UlUOUwBk
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020
Noxious (2018): 2 hours, 12 minutes
Amazon
What do you get when you mix a Gulf Coast oil spill, a dash of toxic waste, and a bunch of dead dudes? Apparently, you get one of the strangest and shoddiest movies I've ever forced myself to watch (and toxic zombies, obviously).
Why it's great
The script might be riddled with painful dialogue and bizarre, meandering plot turns, but that didn't stop its ensemble of misfits from coming together and giving it their best. With a shoestring budget and a cast that features several B-list ex-wrestlers, the acting is just as cringe-inducing as you'd expect. But perplexing performances from the leads -- including an aging, tater-tot-loving, blue-haired detective who dresses like a punk teenager from 1993 -- will keep you glued to the screen from start to finish. That's a good thing, because while the monster effects border on semi-competent there, ah, actually aren't that many zombies in this, um, 132-minute zombie movie.
Watch on Amazon
Circus Island (2006): 1 hour, 44 minutes
Amazon
Fun fact: Feel-good family flicks can be so bad they're good, too! Case in point, Circus Island, in which an out-of-work trapeze artist slash deadbeat dad falls in love with and marries his ex-wife's twin sister without realizing who she is before reconnecting with his estranged daughter while fixing up a run-down tropical island as a summer circus camp, wherein an angsty and vaguely homicidal mean girl threatens to ruin everything unless a ghostly circus legend can save the day from beyond the grave. No, it didn't make much sense when I typed that either (or when I watched it, for that matter).
Why it's great
See above.
Watch on Amazon
I'm awfully partial to the buddy cop kung fu flick Hawkeye (our VHS copy lists the title as ‘Karate Cops'). The high-kicking hero is so delightfully wooden and obtuse, and his partner's Eddie Murphy impersonation is surprisingly decent! You know it's a gem in the first minute. pic.twitter.com/V8SsgyDh7q
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020
Hawkeye, aka Karate Cops (1988): 1 hour, 25 minutes
Amazon
The '80s gave us a veritable bounty of bad kung fu movies, but few gave us better schlock than Leo Fong, a Chinese American martial artist, actor, filmmaker and Bruce Lee contemporary who, at 91 years old, is still kicking today. Many will point to his starring turn in the 1986 cult classic Low Blow as a tour phượng hoàng cổ trấn de force head-scratcher of a performance, but his turn behind the camera directing the 1988 buddy cop flick Hawkeye (also known as Karate Cops, at least according to our VHS copy) is an absolute must-see, too.
Why it's great
Let's start with our titular hero, Alexander Hawkimoto, played by George Chung. He's a cocksure, karate-kicking cop personified by horrible one-liners, terrible judgment and flat-out wacky Texas cowboy machismo. His partner? A completely shameless (and at times, surprisingly convincing) ripoff of Eddie Murphy from Beverly Hills Cop. The production value? Flimsy at best. The plot? Too ridiculous to describe. The end result? Pure gold.
Watch on Amazon
Powderburn (1995): 1 hour, 22 minutes
Amazon
"It started out as a routine wife-spying job…" is how the description of Powderburn begins on Amazon. Unfortunately, words really can't do justice to this baffling masterwork of awful cinema. Suffice it to say there's really nothing routine about the script's confusingly bad attempt at neo-noir (think Chinatown, if they only filmed about 30 percent of what they needed and had to try and make it work in editing).
Why it's great
This film is an enigma of bad moviemaking, and filled to the brim with botched line deliveries, strange cuts and incomprehensible plot twists that'll have you saying "huh?" more times than you can count. It makes for one of the more demanding watches on this list (and at just 82 minutes, that's saying something), but stick it out, if only for the utterly bizarre sequence 58 minutes in where our naked hero gets into a gunfight in the desert with a trio of snakes. At least, I think that's what happens? With Powderburn, it's a little hard to be sure.
Watch on Amazon
Is this the greatest terrible pun ever to open a movie? I believe that it might be. pic.twitter.com/OSz0DE8aje
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) August 3, 2018
Deathstalker 2 (1987): 1 hour, 28 minutes
Amazon
The rogueish, casually misogynistic swordsman Deathstalker (yep, that's really what he calls himself) becomes a reluctant hero when a princess on the run enlists his help in defeating Jarek, the evil ruler who replaced her with an evil twin.
The duo journeys to confront the villains, but not before a tribe of Amazonian huntresses captures them and forces Deathstalker into a fight to the death as punishment for his womanizing ways (relax, it's just a WWF-style wrestling match in the middle of the forest, complete with the ring, and that sound you hear is me slapping my forehead just thinking about it).
Why it's great
First off, a shoutout to the team at RedLetterMedia, who first turned me on to Deathstalker 2 when they featured it on their "Best of the Worst" YouTube series, which I highly recommend if these sorts of films suit your fancy. Still, Deathstalker 2 merits a full viewing of its own. From the brutally bad pun that opens the film to the final, climactic bout of unconvincing swordplay, everything about this movie is just the best kind of bananas. And don't worry if you missed the first Deathstalker -- it's available to stream on Amazon, too!
Watch on Amazon
Another recent find: The truly awful and borderline unwatchable Love on a Leash, where a guy trapped in a dog's body has to get a woman to fall in love with him? Truly one of the most painful watches I've ever sat through. Highly recommended. pic.twitter.com/iFOGFmurGH
— Ry Crist (@rycrist) March 24, 2020
Love on a Leash (2011): 1 hour, 25 minutes
Amazon
Need a romcom for your next stay-at-home date night? Consider Love on a Leash if you're feeling masochistic. It's the story of a down-on-her-luck lady who takes in a stray dog, only to learn that it's actually a man stuck inside of a dog's body. The two fall in love, and things go from really weird to really, really weird.
Why it's great
Oof. Or maybe w-oof, I guess. Either way, if you can make it through all 85 minutes of this one, then you're a true friend of bad cinema. Not only is the script a trainwreck of bad decisions and jokes that absolutely do not land, but the editing and sound design are notably nightmarish, too (my guess is that the filmmakers used a lot of music without owning the rights and then needed to strip it all out prior to distribution). One note: while the film isn't too risque, some of the jokes and scenes get a bit suggestive, so stick with Circus Island if you're looking for something you can groan at with young kids.
Our hero, the dog, is voiced by a store-brand Seth Rogen type, only to be portrayed by a completely different actor with an entirely different personality when we finally get to see him as a human. Our heroine, a green-obsessed wallflower who makes maddening life choices for the sake of The Plot, veers between overacting and underacting from scene to scene. Very little of this film makes sense. It's borderline unwatchable. I absolutely love it.
Watch on Amazon
Skyscraper (1996): 1 hour, 35 minutes
Amazon
2018 brought us Skyscraper, the latest in a long, storied history of Die Hard ripoffs -- but did you know it's actually the second Die Hard ripoff with that name? The first was a straight-to-video trainwreck from 1996, and you won't find Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson saving the day.
Instead, the John McClane role goes to, I kid you not, the late Anna Nicole Smith, who stars as an unassuming helicopter pilot who lands on an LA skyscraper during a routine charter flight, only to realize that the building has been taken over by violent terrorists who've taken hostages.
Why it's great
This one has it all. The acting is god-awful (I have a special soft spot for Deron McBee's especially campy turn as a terrorist -- you might know him as Motaro from Mortal Kombat: Annihilation, or as Malibu, one of the original American Gladiators). The script is laughably hackneyed (at one point, Smith rappels down the side of the building and kicks through a window, ripping Die Hard off almost shot for shot). And while it doesn't quite qualify as softcore porn, you should still put the kids to bed before watching -- the film includes a handful of jarringly out-of-place sex scenes, including a flashback that literally starts in the middle of a gunfight.
For these reasons and so, so many more, Skyscraper belongs right at the top of your hall of shame. Sadly, the film isn't available on Amazon anymore -- but you can still stream it for free on Tubi.
Watch on Tubi
Like I said, the Prime Video catalog is filled with flicks like these, and that means there's a lot more where these came from. I didn't even have room to mention campy classics like Death Spa and Chopping Mall!
I'm not planning on stopping my search anytime soon, so expect updates to this post if I find any new gems. In the meantime, feel free to share any recommendations for my watchlist in the comments section.
alannahpidgeon@gmx.net
